Favorite Child

This morning I was chatting via text with my friend Sue whose mother is living the last stage of her life.  Her mother has not always been the easiest person to take care of or to be with.  Bless her heart.  Sue mentioned that her son called his grandmother who said to him, “Your sister always is the only one who ever loved me.”  Sue said to her son, “It is probably the drugs.”  A part of Sue knows that this probably partly true, but she also know that although she is the one who has always been there to take care of her parents, she is not her mother’s favorite. Neither is her son the favorite grandchild.  Sue is like the unpaid Cinderella.  When Sue moved to another state she found a nice place near she and her husband for her parents to live out their remaining years.  She and her husband have always done whatever needed to be done to insure that her parents are as well taken care of as possible.  Sue has a sister who is also not very appreciative of all that Sue and her husband do.  In short it is quite obvious that Sue is not even close to being the favorite child.   I reminded her that every family has at least one favorite child. This is frequently the child who takes no responsibility for the care of their parent(s); swoops in occasionally for a brief visit bringing gifts and runs back to their sanctuary.  This child is wonderful. They are kind and always agree with the parent(s). They do not push for their parent to stop driving the tank like car when they no longer have much eyesight or hearing ability.  They do not push for the parent to move to assisted living or, God forbid, a nursing home. They come in, cover the parent with kisses put on their wings and fly away. 

They do not go visit for the 10th time on some days because the parent cannot find something such as the television remote or cannot see the put the thermostat back where the dutiful child left it.  They do not cart the parent to the doctor or make sure that the pills are counted out.  They call once a week or whenever, say loving, sweet nothings and quickly hang up because explaining that as the successful child or grandchild they are just so busy!  They are wonderful.   In the meantime Cinderella or Cinderella in drag dutifully steps in to serve the exalted parent!

I know that one needs to be very thankful that one’s mind is able to work in a way that allows one to do what is morally right for their parent(s).  It is not the fault of the “favorite” that they are like the prodigal son in terms of how they think and behave.  They do not sit down and pray, “Please God, help me to be self centered and unappreciative of what my sibling or mother does in taking care of the parent/grandparent.” No, for whatever reasons their synapses fire a little differently.   They drew the short straw and won the position of favorite child.

I was remembering the poem by Emily Dickinson,

I'm Nobody! Who are You?
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Literature Network » Emily Dickinson » I'm Nobody! Who are You?

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This made me smile.

I was also reminded it is important not to take the behavior of the favorite or the behavior of the parent personally.  I really do not believe that anyone decides that they will be self centered and unable to be empathetic.  I do not believe that one was issued the Cinderella role at birth although it may seem that way.  I like my value system and the fact that I am able to think the way I do. I do not envy the favorite. Well.  Okay.  Perhaps I do envy the favorite at times.  At times it seems as if it would be nice to be able not to feel responsible or not to feel guilty for not   being the one who is there to take care of the parent(s).  

I know that there is a reason why that Jesus fellow said to Peter to forgive seventy times seven times. Forgiveness is an acceptance of our shared humanness – of the fragility of the human mind and our inability to understand how all the factors come together to make synapses in the mind fire or not fire in a certain sequences.

Dr. Ellen Libby in an article entitled “The Favorite Child:  unraveling This Pervasive Dynamic” says:

Did you know that there are favorite children in every family? Did you know that favoritism impacts every family member for life? In my 30-year practice as a clinical psychologist, I have observed, on a daily basis, the effects of favoritism on favorite children, overlooked children and unfavored children. I elaborate on this never-written-about topic in my book The Favorite Child. I describe how favoritism is alive in every family and impacts every member.

Favorite children affirm their parents or fill a void in their lives. As a reward, these children believe that they are adored more than anyone else in the family, that they have won the quintessential prize of being the most cared for in the family by this important parent. Holding this belief, children feel confidence and power. They grow up trusting in their abilities to impact positively on the world and to take on important challenges, such as solving the problems of hunger and disease, or excelling in literature, sports, or the arts. Usually parents are unaware -- first, of looking to children for verification or fulfillment, and second, of favoring children in exchange.

Huffingtonpost.com

In short the favorite child has the important job or profession. They make a difference.  Cinderella is merely doing the survival chorettes.  Her/his name is not in the newspaper. Oprah or the hosts of The Today show do not interview them.    They are not elegantly dressed and toned. Forget the prince and the magic ball gown.  It just ain’t going to happen.

But then Emily reminds us:

“How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!”